letter to myself

finally severing ties so this is gonna be the last & final time i bother you. i know you took me off snap so idk if your gonna take the time & effort to read this all but i need to get it off my chest. i need my closure back  i spent 4 years trying to forget you.  4 whole years.  i looked for you in other people to which, was never able to make me feel how you made me feel.  i spent 4 years constantly being reminded of the days i spent thinking about you  & i’m not gonna spend a 5th one.  i’m not gonna let myself hurt & cry over someone who hasn’t been able to put MY feelings first for the past 4 years.  you came to ME after i was finally forgetting all that heartache & pain you brought me. & i let you.  i let you vent those unsaid emotion & unspoken regrets you had. i let you open a jar i sealed away.  i let you you convince me that i had another chance.  so i put my heart in your hands once again like the stupid, idiotic girl i am & you left me once ag

contemplating and meditating i am exhausted. tired of being a prisoner in my own skin. tired of looking in the mirror and not knowing who i'm looking at. you tell me that it's nothing but i can't help but feel otherwise. so i ask you, who are you to tell me how to feel? who are you to validate these mixed colors of emotions that shade me into the darkest shade of black. i can't help but feel lost. how do i pull myself out of the darkness and repaint myself a brighter color.  i want to be a bright yellow. the type of yellow you only see on rare occasions. and then you tell me that depression is only as deep as i let it be. but i cannot see past this glass door that you're speaking through. i can't find the key. you're just another person that i can't reach. another person i can see but cannot touch. you can see me but do you hear me? do you feel my pain?  do you listen to these never-ending thoughts that run every second of the day without rest? its as if

goodbye to you    i told myself i wasn’t going to say my goodbyes; that i was fine with how we left it.     but i was given another chance to speak up - another chance for closure. so i took it. so, to the boy that i had been so infatuated by for so many years... here’s my letter to you:      i remember liking you since middle school. waiting to catch a glimpse of you during the school days. i remember the first time you caught my eye. the first time you smiled at me. so many lessons i learned from you - so many years of pain and heartache.     but thats the cost of unrequited feelings .    i remember talking to my friends about you. i remember everything; every moment; every second. you never went overlooked.  it’s crazy.      how much control you had over me. how you didn’t even know the value you held in my heart. how many times i wished i could’ve just held you close to me: even for just a moment.     but we’re in two differen